Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Suzanne's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
12:26 pm	i wan't someone who i can sleep "kissing distance apart" with (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005
11:41 am	he still turns his head to kiss me. (Comment on this)
Friday, November 18th, 2005
6:22 pm	what if you only get one chance to fall deeply in love. what if the rest of the times are all just practice and then you get that one big huge chance. and you fall desperatly and completly. but what if that one deep love doesn't love you back. can you still get a second chance at love? (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 10th, 2005
2:58 pm	seriously. am i that scary? are relationships that frightening? are you seriously so nervous about getting close to comeone and becoming commited that it almost paralyzes you? these i hate boys posts have GOT to stop. p is now mad at me cause i didnt call him tuesday night. its funny he wants us to be back in a relationship so badly but he has resorted back to the exact tactics that made me want to break up with him. if you want to be in a grown up relationship.... dont act like a baby when things dont go your way. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 8th, 2005
3:37 pm	i just opened my inbox folder marked "tex" to try to find a phone number and the first email that comes up from him says: "I love waking up next to you in the morning" i hate missing him, but i cant help it. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 7th, 2005
2:36 pm	i love marathon sunday. i love my mom. i hate boys. i love saloon. i love 1st avenue. i love trying to take responsibility for myself. i hate hate hate boys (Comment on this)
Monday, October 31st, 2005
1:53 pm	so. yes i kissed a boy at a bar where tex was. but i didnt know he was there and i was drunk. as a freakin skunk. and then he had the balls to take another girl home and tell me it was because i KISSED a boy. i have an awful feeling in my belly just thinking about it. where the hell does he get off. problem is i still adore him. seriously i have issues. i think ive hit the point where im just writing all of this down so 2-6 months from now i can look back and go, wow. he sucked and i was totally a mess. but now im so much happier. and hes still dealing with being totally messed up in the head. im posting like a 12 year old. help me please haha (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 27th, 2005
11:38 am	seriously. are you kidding? SO since T and i broke up, i have been out with a few guys, all pretty random dates. Fun, but nothing lasting. Really just keeping me busy as i found that when im home alone i got depressed and sad. i havent lied to him about it, until last night i was bombed and i told him that i was out with friends, and then this morning i admitted i was on a date. and now hes mad that i wasnt honest. hey kid...wake up call... you took a different girl home on MY BIRTHDAY! i think i get one time to lie in the realtionship. especially DRUNK! damn. alexander just keeps saying hes jealous, and i agree with that, but for gods sake you can have me, your what i want. so dont get jealous just be ready for a freakin relationship. damn. haha. i do adore that boy. just need him to figure his heart out. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 24th, 2005
4:09 pm	i am me. and he is just one of the loves of my life i'm grey eyes and fireflies. 3 bamboo bracelets. big love. babies. I am a pink gingham bikini. aviator sunnies and nice long walk on the beach i am sun kissed. beach hair. salty skin. i want true love. tulips. mint chocolate chip ice cream. in that order exactly. i know i could have it all. i'm just not quite sure how to get it. just yet. i am flip flops and fiji pink. i am brand new earrings. a big girl now. i want to sing. loudly. on a stage, not in the shower. i am the beach. my balcony. the tug boats that float by. i am beautiful quotes, sad song lyrics and incredible memories. i have faith. in myself. in some tyupe of a higher being. i have love. i am surronded. i want something more. i want someone waiting for me. i am staying up late. talking under the covers. i am summer rain. dancing. watermelon margaritas. i am scared. i want someone to hold the umbrella. and the boy....edited and updated from my earlier post: i think at the end of the day the boy was afraid, to love, to get hurt, to get swept up in an idea of things, to adore someone so much you almost couldnt take it, almost couldnt breath. to have someone who made you smile so big your cheeks hurt for days afraid to have someone to visit lighthouses with, to stay in from the bar with and snuggle, to crawl into bed with and have them tell you they missed you, afraid to love those sunday afternoons at the beach. taking the late train back into the city and sharing all his country music. afraid to find the girl he was willing to say i love you to when he wasnt drunk. afraid to love waking up next to someone every single morning. he was afraid to miss a girl during the day, when he went away. he was afraid that if he fell anymore he wouldnt be able to get back up. but thats the whole point of falling, isnt it? hoping you dont ever have to. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
2:06 pm	i think that last entry may be one of my all time favorites. this weekend was good... friday night i went to the roller derby in the bronx...freakin nutso. Its an all girls league, we watched the championship...Manhattan Mayhem vs. Queens of Pain. Roller derby is insane, if i was tough i would try it, but i would get killed. I bought a Manhattan Mayhem t-shirt, and Alex got the Queens of Pain... my team lost, but they were so cool, everytime the skated past me in my orange shirt they would cheer. hahaha kari johnson, i could see you doing it, you are a tough chick. thats a compliment. :) saturday i spent the day with tex.... got lunch, lounged, watched notre dame saturday night i had a wine and cheese appitizer with zoe and silvie, it was fun cause we hardly ever hang out as a roommate group. then i met kevin for dinner at ethos, good times... then we went to gotham comedy club with a bunch of his friends, one of the most fun nights ever. i was hysterical the entire time. sunday- laundry and football, we won but i played terribly. worst ive ever played, major bummer. also decided to dive twice and am now covered in bruses and feel awful, lots of motrin tonight ha. then we went to the zogsports bar, but just alex, james, carm and christine- met up with some of the kids from Touch Down There. Mike, on the team asked me out, cute but i think hes a little older. then alex told me he had feelings for me. damn. when it rains it pooooouuuuuuurrrrrrrssssssss not over tex yet...not ready to try to start any type of new relationship until i get over him. it isnt fair to the new guy or to me. but on the tex topic. new martina mcbride song, "How Far" im obsessed with it, and it makes me think of him: its like the perfect song for where we are right now. its sad to go back and look at previous posts about how happy i was when we were good. damn. There's a boat, I could sail away There's the sky, I could catch a plane There's a train, there's the tracks I could leave and I could choose to not come back Oh never come back There you are, giving up the fight Here I am begging you to try Talk to me, let me in But you just put your wall back up again Oh when's it gonna end How far do I have to go to make you understand I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are So I'm gonna walk away And it's up to you to say how far There's a chance I could change my mind But I won't, not till you decide What you want, what you need Do you even care if I stay or leave Oh, what's it gonna be Out of this chair, or just across the room Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon How far do I have to go to make you understand I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are So I'm gonna walk away And it's up to you to say YeahI'm gonna walk away And it's up to you to say how far (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 18th, 2005
11:47 am	"She learned to love him before he thought it was even possible, so he didn't have a chance to hide & mess it up & while it was a little scary at times, mainly he could not even imagine the world without her there." thats my t quote. i love it. i think at the end of the day the boy was afraid, to love, to get hurt, to get swept up in an idea of things, to adore someone so much you almost couldnt take it, afraid to have someone to visit lighthouses with, to stay in from the bar with and snuggle, to crawl into bed with and have them tell you they missed you, afraid to have someone who picked the lint out of his belly button, who cracked his fingers and his toes, who scratched his back all the time. he was afraid that if he fell anymore he wouldnt be able to get back up. but thats the whole point of falling, hoping you dont ever have to. i miss him you know, i wasnt used to being without him, but i wanted him to believe i was. damn. i want the boy who wants to sit on the beach at 6pm on a sunday. take the late train into the city. cuddle up and watch the ocean. play football and teach me how to run the angle things. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 19th, 2005
3:06 pm	Home sick today. bored to death though, thank god for entourage and mtv reruns. Interesting weekend... went to dorians on friday night with silvie- going to meet chris. Carm and christine were there...akward moment, explained chris was on the way, ended up leaving and going to waterloo...walked in and of course tex is there. quick update...tex and i had a long talk, ended up deciding to try things again. but i think all he wanted was for me to forgive him so he can stop feeling bad, if i had cheated on my bf and wanted him to forgive me so we could try things again i wouls go above and beyond. i dont rteally think tex cares about me at all. it sucks...cause i do like him. but friday was weird, he was flirting with everyone, i was just hangint out. ended up hooking up though. damn it. saturday went to marty obriends, felt like shit. sunday football.,...fun, but akward again hopefully i get over this soon. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 12th, 2005
2:50 pm	"Do you want me to tell you something that's really subversive?" Love is everything its cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it... it really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything- you risk even more." -Erica Jong so cliche...walked in on tex with another girl the morning after my birthday. whats sad is that the fact that he was in bed with another girl didnt upset me as much as the fact that he had his arm around her and was talking to her. like he was happy and enjoying himself. if you are going to cheat, at least feel bad the next morning. wake up and kick her out. im heartbroken. i think deep down maybe i realize this is for the best? i stayed with patrick for so long even though it was bad.... i want to be strong but i just cant. i have this awful feeling in my stomach and have been relying on simply sleep to sleep without bad dreams. i want to have someone who is willing to fight for me. he wouldnt do that. he was a coward and gave up too quickly. i want to risk everything and be rewarded...or risk everything and lose it all but to be in relationship where i know that we are both risking and both taking the chances and both loving completly unconditionally and completely. hoping that it will all work out in the end. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
1:47 pm	still boring. listening to coldplay...Tex is taking me on Wednesday to see them at madison square garden for my birthday! Im excited i love just spending time with him so it should be super. In other news...yes my birthday is next week. Saturday September 10th! I will be 23. im bummed out about it. actually enjoyed being 22, plus it sounds so much younger then 23 and i like that when i say im 22 people act all surprised. i feel like ive accomplished a lot for 22 but not so much for 23. im crazy, patrick was at the drift on saturday. acting cool again. carrie and i walked by him and we stopped to say hello. ryan and evan didnt even look at me and patrick was being cool with some girls. whatever. its amazing cause im not jealous at all, i dont care what he is doing or who is talking to but i hate that its akward and awful between uss. i dont need/want to be his friend but i wish there wasnt the underlying hatred. he knows he was an asshole to me and thats why we broke up but for some reason he is acting now like i did it. whatever work is good...concert series is almost over, which is a major bummer- our last few concerts are serious let downs...trisha yearwood, bon jovi and gretchen wilson. nothing super cool. but the series was so fun and i loved that my friday job was to sit and watch concerts from 5 feet away. amazing. still insanely happy with tex. we have mini fights where basically i over analyze and get upset and he thinks im crazy but things are still great with us. its different then anyone else ive eveer been with and i love that. im still boring. and awful about these entries. i used to be funny some how it went out the window. bummer (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 18th, 2005
1:55 pm	Hilary Duff this morning..super fun- SHes so skinny, but gorgeous. Because of this job i find myself slowly sinking back into being a teeny bopper. i think im ok with it. Carrie and Nell slept over last night so they could come to the show this morning- ive forgotten what my bed feels like. so much softer then my boys...i missed my pillows and my elephant but i guess the benefits are worth it. Jcrew downstairs is taunting me and i keep seeing girls with those adorable navy blue heels with the chartruse ribbon (although seriously fall shoes and im not sure why we are rocking them currently) but i want to run downstairs and by the entire store. i have a love hate relationship with jcrew and banana being in my building. trying to wait a month, ill feel better buying fall stuff when its september. (Comment on this)
Monday, August 8th, 2005
3:49 pm	ive been so boring lately. spent the past few weekends out in the hamptons at the beach nothing particularly interesting or exciting. tex and i have been takign the train out friday nights...going to caseys friday nights then the beach on saturday and the drift saturday night. this is the first summer of my life where i can honestly say i cant wait for it to be over. its crazy i know, j'adore summer but im fixin' for september. (i had to use 'fixin' in a sentance as i spent the past 5 days with tex's 16 year old sisters with their awesome texas accents, i also said ya'll. im a yankee. its been an amazing summer having the boy, we have such nice train rides and i looooove just sleeping all day at the house with him and going to the beach and getting breakafsts...but the drift is no place for a new relationship, even though ours began there and i just want the fall when we can just spend lazy sundays reading the paper in bed. plus our trip to the lighthouse and newport is in september and im literally counting the minutes until then. i dont know what will happen with us ultimatly but im excited to see where it will go... And in work news; i still adore my job. nbc is the best, and the summer concerts are ridiculously fun. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 15th, 2005
11:15 am	"In this world we're lucky if we find A spark that sparks one time Like when we are together" i'm so happy....it's scary (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 24th, 2005
12:49 pm	I've heard it said That people come into our lives for a reason Bringing something we must learn And we are led To those who help us most to grow If we let them And we help them in return Well, I don't know if I believe that's true But I know I'm who I am today Because I knew you: Like a comet pulled from orbit As it passes a sun Like a stream that meets a boulder Halfway through the wood Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But because I knew you I have been changed for good It well may be That we will never meet again In this lifetime So let me say before we part So much of me Is made of what I learned from you You'll be with me Like a handprint on my heart And now whatever way our stories end I know you have re-written mine By being my friend: Like a ship blown from its mooring By a wind off the sea Like a seed dropped by a skybird In a distant wood Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But because I knew you: Because I knew you: BOTHI have been changed for good And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness For the things I've done you blame me for But then, I guess we know There's blame to share And none of it seems to matter anymore Like a comet pulled Like a ship blown From orbit as it Off it's mooring Passes a sun, like By a wind off the A stream that meets Sea, like a seed A boulder, half-way Dropped by a Through the wood Bird in the wood Who can say if I've been changed for the better? I do believe I have been changed for the better? And because I knew you: Because I knew you: Because I knew you: I have been changed for good. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005
11:29 am	i'm so happy. amazing. (Comment on this)
Friday, June 3rd, 2005
3:47 pm	black eyed peas this morning. seriously i want fergies body...its unbelievable. at work until 7 tonight, not going to the hamptons tonight way too tired after last nights waterloo event. i wasnt even there late.. random though: last summer there was this guy (matt, pat or artie- i have no idea which) EVERY saturday night he would hit on me on the drift. and EVERY saturday night i would tell him i had a boyfriend (who he had gone to college with) we never really knew anything about each other as we were both drunk for all of our run ins...but he was nice. friday night at caseys i saw him...and he hit on me again - not remembering who i was, then he told me i looked familier and he realized why. saturday night he hit on me again. then last night i was walking to waterloo, i walked by him on the street and he was obviously checking me out, i turned to talk to him and he finally realized he knew me. i still know nothing about him. (Comment on this)